


Love or Confusion

by nevercomestheday



Category: Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF
Genre: Almost Caught, Angst, Angst and Porn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bathroom Sex, Blow Jobs, Boyfriends, Boys Kissing, Caught, Cheesy, Drunk Sex, Drunken Flirting, Drunkenness, Falling In Love, Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Hook-Up, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Sorry, Late Night Writing, Late at Night, Letters, Love, Love Letters, M/M, Making Out, Morning After, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Party, Partying, Porn With Plot, Season Finale, Smut, Sneaking Around, Workplace Relationship, Workplace Sex, at least the ending is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-31 22:43:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3995857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevercomestheday/pseuds/nevercomestheday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colin and Pete hook up at the SNL season-end after party, and the morning after brings awkwardness and feelings that no one is ready to deal with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything and Nothing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [angelbaby_16](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelbaby_16/gifts).



> I went into this wanting there to be no feelings, and then I remembered that I'm a giant mushball and added feelings. Enjoy! <3

The clock reads two AM, May 17th, 2015. The SNL season finale after party roars into swing.

The scent of alcohol hangs low in the air, mixed with the sweat of an exhausted staff and relieved performers.

Pete sits at the bar, sipping his way through his second beer. His eyes wander through the room, finding Colin, as they always seemed to do.

Pete eyes him up and down, from his converse high-tops to his jeans, up his black t-shirt and to his crystal blue eyes, a little hazy from the night. Pete notices the way his eyes dance when he laughs, the way his mouth turns up in the corners while he talks, the way his hand holds his beer.

He's overcome with lust. Everything about Colin begs for his attention, every inch of him begs for Pete's kiss. He bites his lip while listening to Michael Che tell a story, and Pete clenches his fist.

He just has to talk to him.

Pete waits impatiently for Che to finish his conversation. He downs the rest of his beer for courage, and by the time he slams the empty bottle down on the bar, Colin is turning toward the bar.

“Hey, Col,” Pete says, turning to the bar again and motioning for another beer. He's much more nervous than he expected.

Colin smiles. “Hey, Pete! How are you?” His charm is irresistible.

“Not drunk enough yet,” he laughs as he picks up his third beer.

“Me neither,” Colin returns. He finishes off his own beer and asks the bartender for one more.

Pete can't help but notice as he leans forward to pick the bottle up from across the counter.

“So, uh, what's new?” Pete blanks. He feels so stupid for starting like that, but he can't think of much else to say. “I mean, got any plans for this summer?” It's not much better, but it beats “what's new” by a long shot.

“Some standup touring, but not many other plans. I'll probably do some writing. What about you?” He bites his lip again.

Pete's flustered. He hadn't thought this far into the conversation. “Uh, probably the same. Lots of standup, maybe some more MTV, whatever.”

“That's neat...” Colin pauses, looking around for a second. “Okay, don't take this wrong, but- maybe it's just me, probably is- have you been checking me out? You keep looking at my mouth.”

His blood turns to ice and his eyes widen. “Uhh, I mean, I didn't mean to be creepy, I just-”

Colin puts a hand on Pete's shoulder. He's so calm. How is he so calm? “You misunderstood. _Are you checking me out?_ ” He says it again, slowly and deliberately. He does everything short of winking.

“ _Oh._ ” Pete looks around.

“You wanna get out of here?”

Pete's shoulders drop and he exhales hard in disbelief. “Yeah.”

 

They find their way to the bathroom of the restaurant, locking the door behind them. Colin immediately puts his hands on Pete's waist and pulls him in, craning his neck to reach Pete's lips.

Pete's brain goes to mush the second his mouth connects with Colin's. Sure, he's inebriated, but not so much that he can't tell Colin's the best kisser he's ever had.

Colin parts Pete's lips, running his tongue quickly along Pete's bottom lip and pushing into his mouth. He brushes his tongue against Pete's and pushes him against the wall.

Pete moans into Colin's mouth, immediately rushing a hand into his hair and another down his back. Colin grabs the hand on his back, never breaking their kiss, and pushes it down to his ass.

Pete squeezes.

 

The almost frenetic making out drives Pete insane. He finally remembers how easily he can overpower Colin and turns things around, pushing Colin up against the wall.

He puts his hands against the wall for support and starts to suck Colin's neck, eliciting almost gratuitously loud moaning.

Pete's heart is racing and his pants are getting tight. He bites the skin of Colin's neck currently in his mouth. Colin groans loudly.

“Stop, stop!” Colin finally cries. He can see in the mirror that his neck is covered in little red and purple splotches, but this isn't his reason for shouting.

“What? Did I do some-” Pete starts, but Colin has him flipped again.

Colin gets down on his knees and fumbles with Pete's belt. With a little assistance, it comes undone, and he pulls Pete's pants down around his ankles.

Colin wraps a hand around Pete's cock, teasingly pumping up and down very slowly.

Pete grunts, “Come on, faster.”

Colin shakes his head, grinning in a way that was both drunken and teasing. He takes his tongue and slowly begins to trace circles around Pete's tip.

Both hands rush to tug on Colin's hair, and Pete's head hits the wall.

Colin begins to pump a little faster now as he licks up and down Pete's slit gingerly. Every time Pete pulls his hair, Colin lets out a little whimper.

Colin slowly takes all of Pete into his mouth, and sucks gently.

“Fuck...” Pete husks.

Colin starts to speed up, and Pete continues to vocalize.

“Oh, god, oh god, oh god...”

Colin looks up at him. He pulls back. “Say my name.”

“Hm?” Pete breathes.

“Say my name.” Colin repeats coolly.

Pete nods, eyes begging for Colin to continue.

Colin takes Pete back into his mouth, and it takes a moment, but Pete remembers his instructions.

It feels so freeing to say it, to shout out the name that's been on his tongue for so long.

“Ah, Colin! Colin, oh god, Colin, oh Colin don't stop!” he cries out. He can feel climax beckoning to him.

Colin doesn't stop, and Pete simultaneously tugs his hair and howls, “Colin, fuck!”

Colin swallows him down like a professional, and were he not still reveling in his orgasm, he would've been riled up all over again.

 

A moment passes, and Pete pulls his pants back up. He's still catching his breath when Colin goes back to kissing him.

“Mmph!” Pete exclaims into Colin's mouth in surprise. He eases into the kiss soon enough.

He bites Colin's lip gently, but Colin grunts for more. Pete bites harder.

 

Pete sinks to his knees, and by the time he's on the ground, Colin's already taken his pants down.

He grabs Colin's dick, pumping up and down somewhat quickly.

“Yeah, just like that... Just like that...” Colin purrs as Pete puts his mouth around his erection.

Pete swirls his tongue around and around, still pumping his hand. He licks up and down the shaft. Colin shudders.

“Faster, Pete... More...” Colin coos. He puts a hand on the back of Pete's head, guiding him up and down.

It takes every ounce of self-control not to just fuck Pete's mouth. Colin whimpers as he gets closer and closer to the edge.

“Yeah, you like that?” Pete asks as he goes back to using his hand. He needs a second to catch his breath.

“Fuck, yes I like it, I like it, I like it... I'm so close...” Colin feels Pete suck him a little more, and all his self-control dissolves.

He bucks his hips and bites his lip. His whole body is shaking by the time Pete swallows.

“Oh my god,” he breathes as Pete rises to his feet.

“Yeah,” Pete nods. He pulls Colin close to him, and Colin can hear Pete's heart pounding against his chest. Pete says it again. “Yeah.”

Colin squeezes Pete tightly, burying his face in his chest.

They can hear the music of the party outside still blaring, and after almost an entire song, finally separate.

“Do, uh, do you want to come back to my place for the night?” Colin offers, still tipsy and suddenly very unsure of himself.

“Yeah, I'd love to.”

 

The cab ride is long and uncomfortable, and when Colin unlocks the door to his apartment, Pete isn't quite sure what to do.

Colin strips down to his underwear and stretches. Pete follows suit, leaving his clothes in a little pile by the bedroom door.

They slide under the covers together, and Colin falls asleep on Pete's chest.

Pete sighs. He rubs Colin's soft, smooth back and closes his eyes.

 

The next morning is awkwardly sober. The lights are a little too bright, the air is a little too cold, and there are a few too many questions they're both afraid to ask.

“You want some coffee?” Colin finally asks after Pete gets dressed.

“Nah, I'm okay. I think, uh, I think I'll head home, if that's okay.” The words feel sour and wrong in his mouth.

“Oh, uh, okay. That's fine, yeah.” The disappointment in Colin's voice is palpable.

Pete doesn't want to leave things this way, but he doesn't know what else to do. He walks over to Colin and slides his hands around his waist.

Colin leans into the hug. He feels a lump rise in his throat, though he can't quite figure out why.

Pete kisses the top of Colin's head and walks to the door.

“I'll see you later,” he says, and though he sees Colin smiling, he can see the sadness in his bright blue eyes.

“Yeah, see ya,” Colin replies. When the door closes, he picks up his coffee mug and sighs. 

 

 

 


	2. Can't Not Have You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete tries to step back, but Colin always seems to reel him back in.

It's been almost a week, and Colin hasn't heard any word from Pete. So many times he's wanted to text Pete, but fear always got the best of him.

Pete spends that first week trying to ignore the guilty aching in his heart. It's pretty easy to ignore his feelings when he's high.

 

Finally, Colin works up the nerve to call Pete. He knows it looks desperate, and he knows he still isn't sure just what his feelings are, but he has to talk to him.

“Hello?” Pete answers.

Colin exhales, partly relieved that he didn't ignore the call and partly terrified of the conversation he's about to have. “Hey, it's Colin.”

“Hey. What's up?” Pete sounds so cold.

“Not much. I was just wondering if you wanted to swing by later.” Colin swallows hard. _Why did I say that?_

“Yeah... I don't- actually, you know what, that sounds like a plan. I can be there in two hours.”

“I'll be ready.”

 

There's a knock at the door, and Colin answers it with butterflies in his stomach. He sees Pete's bashful smile and can't help but smile back.

As horrible as Pete feels, seeing Colin's sweet face always did something for him. The grin that sweeps his face does so without his permission.

Pete goes to say hi, but Colin is already kissing him. Pete kisses back for a moment before he remembers what he was here to do.

“Hold on, Col,” he says as he pushes back. “I, uh, think we should talk.”

“Oh. Uh, what's up?” Colin's heart is in his shoes already.

“Look, I don't know what's going on here. I have no idea what I'm feeling. I really, really like you.” He pauses here, and Colin looks relieved. “But,” he begins quickly, “I'm scared. I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't want things to be awkward at work. And I sure as hell don't want to be outed... I mean, I don't even think I'm gay. But I'm not ready to come out of any closets.”

Colin's breath is shaky and he hopes Pete can't tell. “No, yeah, that's fine.”

“How do you feel about all this? I mean, what did you want?” Pete asks. He puts a hand on Colin's shoulder.

“Nothing, ah, same as you. I thought we were gonna try something, but you're right, it's best to leave it as it is. I don't want to ruin things.” He can't look Pete in the eye.

“You're sure you're okay with all this? It's not that I don't want to- I mean, I- you know what I mean, right?”

“Of course.”

 

The rest of the summer is filled with confusion and regret. Colin goes to bed every night thinking about Pete, and Pete wakes up every morning thinking about Colin.

 

Finally, the work year begins, and SNL is back. Both Colin and Pete have had what they think is enough time to heal, and they come to work all smiles for their first week...

...that is, until they see each other. Colin walks out of Lorne's office to catch Pete laughing with Beck as he walked down the hall. Colin looks him up and down, noticing what he could swear was a hickey. His heart sinks.

 

Pete sees Colin later on in the hallway. He's chatting with Chris Kelly about an idea for Update, and Pete gets caught up in a stare. He looks at Colin's beautiful pout and wonders who's been kissing him all summer. The thought of anyone else touching Colin lights a fire in Pete's stomach.

 

Tuesday rolls around and Writer's Night is in full swing. Pete can't stop walking by Colin's office.

 _I'm just trying to take a walk to clear my head and get an idea,_ he justifies, but he knows he's lying to himself. All he wants is a moment of Colin's time.

There's a tugging at his heartstrings telling him to pull Colin in and never let him go, to hold him forever and love him for always, but he shakes the thought. He can't. He just can't.

Eventually, he walks by the office and Colin is the only one in it. Pete slips inside, and before Colin has a chance to notice, the door is closed behind him.

“Look, I can't do this anymore,” Pete whispers fiercely.

Colin looks up at him. “I think we already had this conversation. Remember? You said you didn't want to make things awkward?”

“I know. I still think a relationship would only hurt us. But I want you.” He looks into Colin's blue eyes pleadingly.

“You do?”

“I don't just want you. For god's sake, I _need_ you. I can't stop thinking about you.”

Colin's cheeks blush. “I couldn't stop thinking about you all summer. When you came in with that hickey on your neck yesterday, I thought I was gonna die.”

“Hickey?” A puzzled look crosses Pete's face. “Oh, you mean this thing?” He points to a tiny red blotch on his neck. “I got a spider bite.”

“Oh,” Colin says.

“I haven't been with anyone since we... y'know.”

“Me neither.”

Pete steps closer to Colin and wraps his arms around him. “The thought of you with anyone else...” He shakes his head. “Makes me want to punch whoever it is.”

Colin buries his face in Pete's chest. “I'm not interested in anyone else.”

Pete sighs. “We can't be... 'together,' but I can't not have _something_ with you. I just don't want to get caught.”

“The door locks, you know,” Colin says softly. He looks up.

Pete hurries over to lock the door, and before the mechanism has the chance to click, he's holding Colin tightly again, and their lips are crashed together.

Colin's hands frantically move up and down Pete's back, and Pete grips the back of Colin's hair.

Colin groans against Pete's lips as he feels Pete's tongue slide into his mouth, brushing against his own.

Pete leans down to kiss Colin's neck.

“Be careful not to leave a mark,” Colin pants.

“Nothing visible, I know,” Pete breathes against Colin's wet, hot skin.

 

Colin's hair is mussed and Pete's pants are on the ground. Colin sinks down slowly and begins to take Pete into his mouth.

Suddenly, a knock is heard at the door, and panic shoots through both men.

“Colin? I gotta show you something,” Bobby Moynihan's muffled voice asks.

Colin looks up at Pete, eyes wide as dinner plates. _What the hell do we do?_

“Uh, one sec, Bobby. Let me just, uh, save what I'm doing and get the door. I must have locked it by mistake.” He motions to Pete to pull his pants up.

“What is he gonna think I'm here doing?!” Pete whispers.

“Let me handle it,” Colin murmurs.

 

Pete dresses quickly and Colin opens the door.

“Uh, am I interrupting something?” Bobby chuckles.

“We were, uh, just working on a sketch,” Pete stammers.

“Uh huh... Your computer isn't on.” Bobby looks at Colin. “Did you do something to your hair?” He raises an eyebrow.

“What?” A hand rushes up to his hair, and Colin remembers. “Oh, I was just frustrated, I guess. What did you want to show me?”

Bobby could swear something was going on, but Pete and Colin? Really? He wasn't so sure, but man, did it look suspicious. “I, uh, wrote a new Anthony Crispino bit and was hoping you could help me with some of it.”

Bobby looks at Pete, and Pete looks at Colin.

“You know what, I think I should let you guys work on that. I'll come back a little later. I'm gonna see what Beck and Kyle are up to.” Pete raises a hand and gives a nod, looking at Colin, then at Bobby.

“Okay. See you later,” Colin says.

“Later, man,” Bobby calls after him as Pete walks out the door.

 

 


	3. About Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete gets to thinking some more. Colin is intoxicating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said this at the beginning of chapter one- I'm a mushball and there are feelings everywhere.

Wednesday table read ends as usual, and after grabbing another bagel, Pete shuffles down the hall. He finds Colin standing by his doorway, reading something.

“Hey,” Pete says quietly, looking around.

“Hey.” Colin looks up and smiles.

“I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. You, uh, want to go home?”

Colin giggles. “That was the plan, yeah.”

“I mean,” Pete whispers, eyes darting back and forth. “Do you want to go home _with me._ ”

“ _Oh._ ”

 

Pete's apartment is smaller than Colin's, and slightly warmer. They walk in together and Pete pats the couch.

Colin yawns and sits down. Pete starts to pull his pants off.

“Oh, I didn't realize you wanted to fool around. I'm a little tired,” Colin says.

“I didn't. I'm tired, too. I just thought, I don't know... Do you maybe want to cuddle?” Pete suggests.

A warm smile sweeps Colin's face. He stands up and takes his jeans off, setting them down on the side of the couch. He notices Pete pulling his t-shirt off, and Colin follows suit.

“The couch is a little small. My bed is probably gonna be more comfortable.” Pete takes Colin by the hand and leads him down the short hall to his bedroom.

The room is dim and cozy, filled only by a large bed and a desktop computer. Pete pulls back the covers and gets into bed, holding his arms out for Colin.

Colin climbs in and snuggles up to Pete, nuzzling his face into Pete's neck and pressing a soft kiss there. Pete kisses Colin's forehead.

Pete sighs. “I don't know what I'm gonna do, Col.”

“About what?”

“This. You, me, us, whatever it is. I hate it.”

Colin looks up, eyebrows furrowed and lips frowning. “You hate it?”

“No, no. I hate that I don't know what to do. I hate how hard this is. I hate that I can't just be comfortable and make you happy.” He bites his lip.

“Hey,” Colin murmurs. “You do make me happy.”

“Even like this? Even though I'm afraid?”

“Absolutely.” Colin says it with such certainty.

A lump appears in Pete's throat. “You really mean that?” he chokes.

“Yeah.”

 

Two hours pass, and Pete wakes up to the sound of a phone call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, man, it's Beck. You free?”

He looks down at Colin sleeping soundly on his chest.

“Nah, I'm sort of in the middle of something.”

 

Saturday night rolls around, and with a half hour to showtime, Colin goes to find Pete in makeup.

“You just missed him,” Taran says as he's fitted with a long, brown wig. “Try his dressing room.”

 

Colin knocks on the door, but no one answers. He looks at the bottom of the door and sees no light.

Disappointed, he walks to his own dressing room. He'd just have to catch Pete after the show.

When he opens the door, he finds a small envelope with his name scribbled on the top.

Colin feels his hopes start to rise, but he swallows them down and tears the envelope open. Inside he finds a note.

 

_Col-_

_I was wrong. I thought a relationship would only hurt us, and I thought just hooking up with you would be enough for me, but I was wrong._

_I was just so terrified of what other people would think that I let it get in the way of what I really need. I know I shouldn't care. I wish I didn't._

_I thought about what you said, about making you happy. That's all I want to do. The thought of hurting you scares me, and the thought of losing you scares me even more._

_I guess what I'm saying is I can't do it. I can't just sneak around with you. I can't keep trying to distance myself from my feelings. I can't hurt you._

_Damn what people think, damn what I'm afraid of. I'd rather have you and lose everyone else than lose you._

_I've never been good at this stuff, so I'm sorry if it comes out stupid. I just want you to know how I feel, now that I know it myself._

_-Pete_

 

By the end of the note, Colin's cheeks are wet with tears and his mouth is beaming. He looks up at the clock. 11:25PM.

 

He walks to the side of the studio, watching everyone get ready for the cold open. Pete is in this one, and Colin can see him standing on the set, waiting for his signal.

Colin looks at him for a moment. His heart is brimming with love and warmth and he feels like he's floating. The rest of the room melts away around Pete.

“We're live in five, four, three...”

 

“Live from New York, it's Saturday night!” Jay and Pete shout.

As soon as they're given the signal, they both hurry off the set. Pete nearly bumps into Colin on his way to makeup. Luckily, he isn't in any more sketches until after Update.

“Hey, are you okay?” Pete says, concern on his face at the tears still streaking Colin's face.

Colin doesn't answer. He pulls Pete close and kisses him hard on the mouth. They're standing right next to the first set, surrounded by the audience, the staff, and the entire band.

It doesn't bother Pete anymore.

 

Weekend Update is particularly upbeat that night, at least from Colin's side of the desk. He delivers all of his jokes with a confident punch, eyes sparkling with the thought of the after party.

 

Pete keeps his arm around Colin for the majority of the goodnights. He certainly doesn't do anything crazy like kiss him on stage, but he's so comfortable next to Colin that he just can't help but show it. The second the cameras go off, he takes Colin's hand and they walk offstage together.

 

“So, you two are...” Cecily trails off, not quite knowing what to call them.

“Together, yeah,” Pete says proudly. He pulls Colin in a little closer and kisses his temple.

Colin chuckles.

“Aww,” Cecily coos. “You guys are really sweet. Congratulations.”

Colin blushes. “Thanks.”

 

“Man, really?” Jay laughs. “That's terrific.”

“Hold on, hold on,” Bobby pipes up, beer in hand. “So this means then, when I came into your office the other day...?”

Pete nods sheepishly, and Colin chuckles.

“Ha! I knew it!” he snickers.

 

Pete's phone shows 4:25AM, and he and Colin are both more than a little tipsy. He leads Colin outside and calls a cab.

 

Colin fumbles with his keys, but gets them into the apartment soon enough.

“Come on, babe, let's go to bed,” Pete yawns.

“Babe? Since when do you call me babe?” Colin chuckles.

“Since you're my boyfriend now, I don't know,” Pete slurs. He likes the way the word “boyfriend” feels coming out of his mouth. “You're my boyfriend.” It feels like weights being lifted off his shoulders.

“Okay then, boyfriend, let's go to bed.” Colin smiles and leads Pete to the bedroom.

 

“You're really okay with all this?” Colin asks as he snuggles up close to Pete. The feeling of Pete's warm skin up against his own is ecstasy.

“More than okay. It feels so good to just let loose and do what I want, and you're what I want.” Pete goes for a wink, but he just ends up blinking with his mouth open.

“What a coincidence, I want you right back.” Colin kisses Pete's jaw softly.

“Man, if I wasn't so tired right now, I'd rip you to pieces,” Pete murmurs.

“Yeah, me too...” Colin snores. “Goodnight, Petey.”

Pete giggles at the nickname. He kisses Colin's forehead and inhales deeply. “Goodnight.”


End file.
